Lactose Intolerant
by Trans
Summary: Need a little comic relief? Read my oneshot parody on ‘Sweet Snow’.


**Lactose Intolerant**

**Disclaimer: **Being that I'm underage. Technically I own nothing.

**AN: **Another one shot idea that has been circulating in my head. I hope you all enjoy a nice little parody on 'Sweet Snow'.

"Come on Hiei! You aren't going to stay up there all day are you?" Yusuke put a hand up to shield his eyes from the sun, as he tipped his head back as far as it could go, and looked annoyed up into he nearby tree.

"Uremeshi don't call him down!" Kuwabara complained quite loudly. "I don't want him ruining the picnic."

Kurama sat quietly, watching the girls talking a ways off, casting glances back towards the boys every now and then. It was obvious what the topic of conversation was, but Yusuke and Kuwabara were oblivious to anything but the food in front of them.

"AREN'T YOU HUNGRY!" Yusuke shouted again.

Kurama stifled a grin, not even reacting when a black blur suddenly appeared before them. Hiei stood glaring down at the brunette sitting on the picnic blanket. His eyes clearly spelled death, but the only one to flinch was Kuwabara. "Be quiet before I cut out you voice box."

Putting on a boyish grin, Yusuke cocks his head. "Now, I know you don't mean that." He held a paper plate over his head to defend himself. Kurama could have pointed out that that would hardly protect him, and would in fact proved good kindling for any fire set by the irritated Hiei.

"There is plenty of food Hiei. You should at least try some," Kurama tried to coax him into the idea, even proving that the stuff on everyone's plates was edible by taking a bite.

"I don't eat ningen food." He stated clearly, folding his arms, and standing firm. Kuwabara and Yusuke exchanged glances.

"Then what do ya eat?" Kuwabara blurted out the obvious. It wasn't like there were many options considering his probation kept him in Ningenkai.

A low growl proved that Hiei was fed up with the line of questioning. "Hiei, the food isn't bad. You might like it if you _try_ some." Kurama attempted again. He received a glare.

"When I eat, and what I eat is none of your concern."

"Ah, come on. See I told you Uremeshi! He's already ruining the picnic." Kuwabara took a big gulp of his lemonade.

"So you don't eat ningen food? Because you don't like it, or what?" Yusuke seemed determined to figure out a way to get Hiei to eat something. Kurama could have told him it was a lost cause. After all, he'd tried before, and with little success.

"Hn." Yes or no, Hiei left that to be decided by those listening. Yusuke took it as a yes.

"Well not all the food tastes the same. There has to be _something_ you'll like." Yusuke scratches his chin, trying to think of such a food.

"He doesn't like chicken when it has breading on it," Kurama supplies.

"Really?" Yusuke asks. "What else. What about rice? Rice is a staple food."

Hiei shifts uncomfortably. "What does it matter? I'm not going to eat with you fools so just shut up."

Kurama smiles mischievously. "I do know one thing that Hiei likes."

"What?" The two others sitting down ask. Hiei growls again in warning, a warning Kurama ignores, and quite pleasurably so.

"Chocolate. Last Valentines I got too much chocolate to eat, and he helped me finish it all off. He can't say he doesn't like chocolate." Kurama gave a sly glance Hiei's way. Hiei looked more uncomfortable than ever.

"Who doesn't like chocolate?" Kuwabara stated.

"Yeah, that's like have you ever heard someone say they didn't like ice cream?" Yusuke agreed.

Kurama's face brightened. "Didn't you say Keiko brought some ice cream?"

"I'm not eating it," Hiei said at once.

Hiei had no idea what ice cream was, and even if it was as good as chocolate he refused to eat anything in their company. Especially now that they made such a big deal about it, he'd have to make sure to never eat anything while they were watching.

Everyone seemed to ignore his words. Kuwabara flipped the lid to the ice chest, and picked up a large one gallon tub. "Score! Its vanilla and caramel swirl." He tossed the tub down, and began searching for some spoons in his back pack.

"Get the bowls too," Kurama advised, since he was a rather polite person, and eating straight from the carton wasn't very proper.

"My baby sitter used to call ice cream, sweet snow," Kuwabara said, pulling out a stack of bowls.

"When did you have a baby sitter?" Yusuke asked.

"When Shizuru was going through college my parents needed someone to watch me." Kuwabara blushes. "Not that I needed it or nothin'."

Yusuke bursts into laughter. Kuwabara reddens further. "Shut up," he snaps a bit sulky. "Don't make me punch your face in."

"Like you could."

"Why the hell would the idiot ningen call it sweet snow?" Hiei grumbled with a hint of disgust. All attention was drawn to the tub Kuwabara was now opening.

"I don't know." The tallest said.

"She probably wasted too much brain cells watching your ass!"

"Shut up!"

Kuwabara made a punch. Yusuke evaded it as usual, and Kuwabara ended up falling face first into the others lap...and was then quickly transferred into a noogie.

Shaking his head at the juvenile antics, Kurama turned to Hiei. "The term sweet snow would be inaccurate because there is very little water in ice cream. It is in fact as the name would imply, frozen cream."

"Let me go!" Kuwabara shouted wiggling free of Yusuke's death grip, and then patting his hair down. "Man, you messed up my hairdo!"

"Maybe it will distract people from that ugly mug of yours..." Yusuke's face was red from laughter.

"Hey!"

Taking matters back into his hands, Kurama clears his throat. "I thought we were having some ice cream? We better start eating or it will melt just sitting out of the cooler."

"Oh, yeah." Kuwabara went back to scooping ice cream into the bowls lying on the blanket.

"I'm not eating it." Hiei said again.

Yusuke smirked, having just experienced a light bulb moment. "Of course you'd be too sissy to _try _just _one_ bowl. We should have known better."

Everyone knew that Hiei's weakness was his pride, and he'd never back down when that was challenged.

Scowling, Hiei finally sat down, his demeanor darkening further. "You better not be poisoning me, or it's that last thing you'll do," he hissed threateningly.

"It's not poison. Geesh." Yusuke set a bowl down in front of Hiei's lap. Everyone grabbed a bowl, but no one started to eat, until Hiei picked up his and suspiciously poked it with a spoon.

Glancing sidelong to see Kurama eating from his bowl, and his facial expression not being one of revulsion, Hiei took a small bite. It was good. In a way that Hiei would of course never admit, and he took another bite.

And another. And another. Until his bowl was empty.

It was so much better than just chocolate, that Hiei couldn't understand why they didn't give this treat out on holidays, and not even stopping to think how it must look, he reached for the abandoned tub.

Once in his grasps, the remaining ice cream had no hope of surviving. The other three watched in awe, as he devoured spoon full after spoon full, not even paying any attention to Kuwabara's protests.

Licking his lips in a very happy manor (that is if he wasn't glaring at the empty container in his lap), Hiei decided that ice cream wasn't all that bad. Clearly ningens could do _something_ right.

"You ate it ALL! You three eyed little freak!" Kuwabara whined at the loss of any seconds he might have been able to have.

"So Hiei, I take it we found something you like."

Not being one to admit when he is wrong, Hiei gave a flippant, "Hn," and then walked away to take a nap on the lower branches of the tree he'd been in earlier.

-

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...Not more than ten minutes later...

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-

-

"You traitors! You poisoned me!" Hiei closed his glaring eyes as sweat gathered on his forehead around the Jagan.

"What?" Kurama like everyone else was surprised, not only by the sudden appearance of their friend, but the sudden outburst that came with it.

"You. Poisoned. Me." Hiei's arms which were usually down by his sides or folded across his chest, were now folded against his stomach.

"It wasn't poisoned!" Yusuke said quickly. "We all ate it, and we aren't sick."

"Oh my God! Hiei is transforming! He's going to kill us!" Kuwabara screamed frantically as Hiei turned a nice shade of green.

"...I don't think he's transforming Kuwabara. I think he's going to be sick," Kurama said sympathetically. Although it was rather funny seeing a powerful demon such as Hiei about to hurl.

"I will Kill-," Hiei froze his face paling. In a flash of speed he was gone behind the tree line again. A wet retching noise could be heard, and Yusuke made a face that everyone was inclined to mimic.

"I don't understand...we didn't get sick," Kuwabara scratched his head confused.

Yusuke shrugged his shoulders and then turned to Kurama. Kurama _always _seemed to have the answers. Surly he could come up with one now. Kurama raised his eyebrows as all the attention was now on him.

"Well..." Kurama smirked as an answer popped conveniently into his head. "Perhaps Hiei is Lactose intolerant. Which means...he'll never let us feed him again."

'Never again...' one fire demon thought as he clung to the tree he was heaving under. 'Never again...'

AN: And I know that only some people who are Lactose Intolerant actually throw up after eating ice cream. My sister is, but she eats ice cream with no problem…


End file.
